You Being Helpful Is Not Helping Anyone

you being helpful is not helping anyone

Date: May 21, 2016

posted by kira jean / Comments: No Comments / Tags: There is no tags

I saw a post in a Facebook group this morning where a woman was sharing her struggles in her creative work and trying to figure out how to do what she really wants to do.


I witnessed reply after reply roll in with people offering their advice on what they believed she should do, and it made me sigh out loud with a sense of despair, because this woman hadn’t even asked a question, let alone asked for anyone’s opinion or help.


She was simply sharing, most likely from a desire for her struggle to be seen and recognised, which is all that most of us ever really want.


That’s right, all that most people want is for their pain, suffering, and struggles to be seen and recognised.


They do not want your help. If they DO, they’ll ask for it straight out.


I’ve asked for help from people a few times in my life. Yes literally, just a few times.


From God I’ve asked for help twice, once when I was fourteen and experiencing my spiritual awakening, and the second time most recently when I was a new wife, in a new country, and awakening to an even higher level of consciousness. That night I was curled up on the bathroom floor wailing as though every part of my being was being pulled apart and cracked open.


I asked for help because in my awakening state I was ready to receive it.


I trust that you’re smart enough to know the difference between a person asking for help because they’re awakening, and a person asking for help because they’re AVOIDING awakening and would rather leave their decisions and choices in the hands of others, essentially letting you, and everyone else, live their life for them.


If you choose to offer help in the latter situation, just know you are choosing between living their life for them and living your own (I know, tough to hear, but nevertheless true).


Another thing that you’ve probably witnessed more than once (maybe even in yourself) is when someone is too proud to ask for help, when in fact they actually need it.


In this situation, you have two options:

Let it go, it’s their journey. Or, ask them sincerely, “do you want help?”

If they say “no, I’m fine” and retreat, then go back to option one and let it go.

They’re not ready to awaken, and you can’t force them to. You really can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.


To make this clear remember this point:

If they don’t ask for it, they’re not ready for it, END. OF. STORY.

If you choose to STILL go ahead and offer it, then you’ve gone from your heart to your head, and you’re helpfulness is now coming from your ego. You’re not tuned in at all, and instead, this is the kind of thing that’s going on:

You want to be seen as helpful.
You want others to know what you know.
You want to be the one that changes that person’s life.
You want to make up for how unhelpful you used to be.
You’re afraid of being seen as selfish.
You’re afraid of not being seen as a good human being.
YOU, and I mean the ego you not the you you, want to feel superior in some way, and hide the fear that maybe you’re actually not that kind, good, worthy, deserving enough of a human being after all.


See, now you’ve now gone and made it all about YOU. And help that comes from that place is the most unhelpful thing in the world.


You’re ego loves nothing more than making you feel anything but whole, so you help, EVERYONE, even when you’re not asked to.


You make it your MISSION to save the world when no-one ever asked you to!


You spread yourself thin.


You break yourself into little pieces leaving a piece of you in every poor soul that you’ve helped, because your ego looooves nothing more then the idea of not only having control over your life, but the lives of others, too.


And the thing that breaks my heart the most, is that you think you’re doing the right thing by throwing your help and advice this way and that.


When in fact you’re suppressing people, and not allowing them the space to solve their own damn problems, and come up with their own thoughts.


You’re not giving them the chance to AWAKEN.


Choice is empowerment, so when you keep jumping in to save everyone you disempower them, because you don’t give them the space and time to figure things out and CHOOSE.

You do this because –

1.) You can’t stand to watch them flounder and suffer (because you can’t stand in your own suffering)

2.) All the ego stuff mentioned above, and

3.) You, like much of the world, seek instant gratification.


You want things fixed now.
You want things to be better now.
You want to end your own suffering and everyone else’s NOW.

Because THEN you can relax and be at peace with yourself and the world.

It just. doesn’t. work.


Peace is a choice, like everything else, and everyone must make their own choices.


Your handouts of inspiration and cheerleading do not empower people to choose for themselves, because they’re too busy trying to “do what you do”, and never get the chance to ever realise they can choose it for themselves.

This is why I QUIT being a therapist and a coach, and it’s why I only mentor a small number of people who are either awakening and specifically asked for my help, OR came to me not wanting help, but sensed I’m the right person to hold space for them while they figure out their own answers and make their own choices.


This is WHY, even though I’m a brilliant therapist, coach, and teacher, I write.

I just write. All day, everyday.

I share stories.

And I only write with the intention to express and heal myself.

I don’t want to teach you, or “coach” you.

It’s not what I believe works.

THIS is what I believe works and this is exactly what I do:

I awaken and empower myself.

I share my story.

That’s it!

No really, that’s all there is to it.


Now, sometimes of course, my own flame lights the flame in someone else. Yes I’ve absolutely seen this happen more than a few times. But it doesn’t really matter all that much to me, because my own awakening and empowerment IS my life’s work. My writing is not FOR you, and it’s definitely not intended to help you, it’s simply a message.


As Ghandi said “my life is my message”, and for me, this is also true.


If my message helps you, it’s not because I wanted it to, or even had that in mind, it’s because you consciously or subconsciously ASKED for it. You asked for help and it came in the form of my message.


And so here’s what I truly believe:

You have nothing to prove. And being “helpful’ proves nothing anyway.

Give your fellow humans some credit, and some space to become self-aware enough, to come up with their own answers.

Always wait for someone to ask for help.

And yes, I know this is difficult for you, but your help is not helpful if they’re not open to receiving it, and the way you know they’re ready for it is because they ASK for it.


Two things to to look out for here are –

1.) People might ask for help because they THINK they need help when really they don’t, and

2.) You might very well know someone is struggling and they DO want help, but honestly, wanting it is not enough, it won’t work unless they’re open to receiving it.

So muster up some faith and patience, and trust that when they’re ready for it, they WILL ask for it.


{Side note: this goes for everything by the way. Money, relationships, happiness etc. Unless you ask for it you won’t get it, asking = ready to receive it.}


So let me wrap this up for you, because I know I’m jumping all over the place and I could end up going on about this all day!


You being helpful does not empower anyone.

In fact it often reaffirms the beliefs they probably already hold about themselves, such as –

I’m hopeless.
I’m worthless.
I’m not smart enough to make my own choices.
I’m a bad person.
I’m weak.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t decide on anything.
I’m flaky.
I’m not worthy, or strong, or powerful, or good enough unless other people tell me so.

Where in fact –

They KNOW what to do.

They KNOW what they want.

They’re simply too scared to admit it, go for it, or fail at it.


So instead they seek reassurance, or someone else to make the decisions and therefore take the fall, or they desire some kind of “you can do it!” cheer, usually disguised as a need for help.


Because let’s face it, they just don’t believe in themselves enough, and how COULD they when no-one’s ever given them the chance to discover the power and potential that lies within them.


And I’m not anti-cheering on our fellow souls, NOT AT ALL, but let’s all do it from a place of holding ourselves and others to a higher level of competence and power.


THAT is empowering.

THAT, is dare I say it, helpful.


Because how in the world is anyone going to realise the power and potential within them, if they constantly look outwards for the nod of approval and support? And then, lo and behold, get it.


You give it to them, and sure, it makes them (and you) feel good for awhile, but then before too long they’re in need of another fix.


And so, the cycle continues.

They’ll forever be stuck in this crazy cycle and not fully realise their power and potential.


Now as for those not seeking help out of insecurity, and like the example I gave of the woman on Facebook, actually just wanting to share what’s going on for them because it’s healing, you’re help is a total waste of time and energy, and actually gets in the way of the healing process.


Old tribes used to sit around and share stories (some still do), and no-one ever offered help or even a shoulder to cry on, the healing came through sharing alone.


By bringing their story into the light they were able see clearly, heal, transform, realise, choose.


Ok, ok, so let’s finish this up!

If what I’m sharing with you now is stirring up something inside of you, or you’re starting to get curious about how to let go of the need to be “helpful”, and instead you’re choosing to be the kind of person who empowers and awakens others, then here’s what I’ve found works:

Empower yourself.

Awaken to your own power and potential.

Choose your own thoughts.

Make your own choices.

Share your own stories.

And instead of saving the world, save yourself.


So one last thing, my question to you –

Do you want my help?

If so, you know what to do…. message me and ASK FOR IT!

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